Ted 2 - Film Review

Mark Wahlberg and Seth McFarlane (voice) in Ted 2

Studio: Universal Pictures

Director: Seth McFarlane

Quality (out of four): ★1/2

There is no denying Seth McFarlane's talent. His voice work and sense of humor have left audiences in stitches since Family Guy first debuted  in 1999. But as Don Simens -- the famous Hollywood teacher -- has pointed out, talent is the last thing you need to survive in Movie Town. According to Mr. Simens, the one thing you need above all is a great script. When it comes to Ted 2, he couldn't be more spot on. 

Although Ted 2 offers funny joke after funny joke that is sure to make audiences sprout Coke from their noses, it does so in a Family Guy-esque manner that makes McFarlane appear to have no idea of the difference between what works in a  television sitcom and a feature-length film. Although they may look similar on paper, the undeniable fact is that the two mediums have very different rhythms that cannot be copied and pasted from one to the other without producing either a bad film or a bad sitcom. 

What McFarlane has crafted here is a bad film. He would do well to take Mr. Simens' course if only to find out the great importance that a script has on a film's success. What bothers me about the one that Seth McFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild put together is that it seems as if the each person had a separate idea for a feature-length film. They tried to force everything together but each idea cancelled out the others causing there to be nothing of substance left behind. 

One of those ideas is the story of Ted fighting the legal system in order to be recognized as a person by the government so he can adopt a child and retain the rights that were taken from him such as his marriage license and citizenship. A concept like this one has nothing inherently funny about it. There is very little that comes to mind in terms of comedy with a log-line like this. Because much of the film revolves around this central idea -- and because there is hardly anything funny about it --- the jokes that send the snotty Coke into the row in front of you have virtually nothing to do with what is actually happening to the characters. Much like Family Guy's notorious flashbacks, Ted 2 has similar cutaways to scenes that completely stop the movement of the story. 

Another plot-line has to do with a character wishing to exploit Ted by mass manufacturing him for people around the globe if the courts conclude that he is not a person. In order to accomplish this he must find a way to kidnap Ted without the public catching any wind. Once again, there's nothing funny about this. What's even worse is that this plot-line is lazily followed which makes each scene related to it a reminder that it even exists. There is only one funny joke that comes from this plot-line that involves a toy company CEO speaking on a rival toy company. With so little to chuckle at, it seems obvious that this aspect of the story could have been cut entirely without the film losing much of anything.

Lastly, the final plot-line of this movie involves Ted's legal team pursing the help of a top civil rights lawyer in another town after Amanda Seyfried's character, who is a first-time lawyer, drops the ball on winning the initial trial. This aspect of the film comes up after the point to which the entire film was leading up to -- i.e. the initial trial -- which makes the audience feel like they're watching Ted 3 instead of the final act of Ted 2. It is in these final scenes where the humor becomes so spaced out that I considered leaving the theater. The film seemed to have already reached it's conclusion and with less and less Coke coming out of my nose, I had no incentive to remain in my seat.

The movie has real comedic power through the first hour but beyond that it's a film that begins to take it self too seriously and losses its grasp on why the audience showed up in the first place. The performances in the film are fine enough for a film of this nature with Mark Wahlberg being the weakest link. There's a soft spot in my heart for Amanda Seyfried for whatever reason -- I just like her presence -- but she works well in this universe and doesn't seem out of place. Morgan Freeman has a hilarious turn, but only in one scene. With that kind of comedic timing, I wonder what the film would have been if it utilized his character more.

Ted 2, without a doubt, has one of the worst screenplays of the year and because of it's nails-on-a-chalkboard annoyance I can't recommend this film to anyone who has a cinematic appetite more than that of superficial scrapings. Kiah Simons